Driftwood: Part VI

As soon as Nick reached his room, he opened the cover to his iPad and emailed his phone number and address to James and Ellie.  Once that was done, he showered.  As the water cascaded down upon him, he took stock of the day.  It truly was a joy.  “A blessing of a day.” As Gwen would have said.  Gwen.  That’s what was missing.

Gwen always said that shared sorrow is half sorrow but shared joy is double joy.  While, he was with wonderful people, he had no one with whom to share the experience.  Sure, there were people there with him but not a special person.  He had hoped to start putting the loss of his wife behind him but it never went away. 

He dried himself and put on a pair of boxers.  It seemed a little warm in the room so he checked the thermostat and adjusted it.  Then he got into the bed and pulled the sheet over him but moved the blanket off to the side.  He stared at the ceiling.  He didn’t want to think of Gwen but no other thoughts were in his head.  Finally, he said aloud, “God, You said that the two would become one flesh.  Now half of me is gone.  People don’t understand that I feel like half a person now.”  Tears began to well up in his eyes. 

“I’ve heard people say that the death of a spouse is something you never get over.  If I can’t get over it then what’s the point of living?  Gwen was my legs and arms.  She is how I got around in the world.  How am I supposed to go on now?  If there is no end or relief to this pain, I don’t want to continue.  God, just take me now.  I’m done with it all.  Take me now.” 

Tears streamed down Nicks temples and into his ears and hair as continued looking at the ceiling.  Was he bipolar?  How could he go from being happy and content to wanting to die?  The deep hurt that had consumed him for many months kept its grip on him.  He cried with a deep bone shaking mourn.  He moaned as the tears flowed.  These tears could only be understood by those who had the bedrock of their life thrown into disarray.  It is a point in life where nothing will ever be the same again.  What you once believed to be true no longer is true.  What was once the basis for life no longer exists.  With such foundations gone, where do you go?