On All Sides

 

I am another place

Outside of my time

Desperate

To find my home

 

I search in vain

For something

To call my own

It was all forgotten

 

So my heart resides

In another place

Another time

And nostalgia fills me

 

On all sides

October untitled

 

Groundhog Day Prayers

A few years ago, I saw a challenge to pray something that Jesus told His disciples to do in Matthew chapter 9:36-38.  “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.’”

I thought it was a good thing to do since I have a heart for the needy.  I don’t remember now how many years ago that was but I have missed only a few days praying this.  In the meantime, other prayers have been added to the list.  This year, I decided to pray some things for myself I believe are impossible.  Is anything too hard for an almighty, all-knowing God?  

Here are a few of the things I pray for myself:

That God would reveal to me things I believe to be true but aren’t.  Then knowing the lies I’ve believed, that He would give me to wisdom and guts to do what was necessary to make the needed changes.  

That I wouldn’t put God in a box.  

That I would remove Him for the boxes I already have Him in.

That I would never condemn God to justify myself.

If these prayers make no sense to you, please know this:  I want to believe in God with all my heart and to do so without error.  I have been taught some erroneous things about God in the past.  I don’t want that in the future.  

Have you ever prayed for something but only heard crickets?  To knock on a door repeatedly with no answer?  I have run the gamut of ways these prayers have been sent to heaven.  

With anguish and sincerity 

With earnestness

With beautiful and colorful verbiage 

Saying the words because it is the thing to do

Going through the motions

Just getting it done

Praying while very distracted

Just checking off the to-do list

Not praying at all

I still return to it.  Prayer.  I sometimes hear and learn things that encourage me.  I press forward.  Sometimes other prayers are clearly answered.  I press forward.  

Why does God make us (me) pray for things for so long without answer?  Is He testing me to see if I really am sincere?  Does something else have to happen before He will move?  Does He want my heart to change?  

Who knows, maybe it is all these reasons and more.  Maybe it is none of them.  One thing I have learned recently is this:  As I pray for things I wish were different in this world, I find myself hoping the heart of mankind would change. I find that my heart breaks for the needs of the oppressed. I hope and pray the hearts of those who are evil will break and they will turn to God and repent.  

In these days of repeated prayers, I find I am changing.  Oh, that I will change even more.

Seasons of Life: Winter

 

Finally, winter comes.  This is the most difficult for me to write.  Of course, I’m not there yet so I cannot speak from experience.  Also, we all know that winter is the final season.  Therefore, it means the end is near.  No one likes pondering death but that is the ultimate destination for every living creature on earth. 

 

I spoke to my dad late yesterday as I considered what I should write.  At first, I didn’t think he understood my point.  Then he said something to prove his understanding.  He said, “One of the things when you reach my age, (he is 83) is most of the people you know are dead.”

 

I was silent.  What can you say to that?  Then dad started listing family members that are gone.  Too many died too soon.  I am older than most of them when they died.  It seems to me the goal for the winter season of life is to prepare for death.  How does one do that?  I think part of having a good death means having a good life. 

 

I have two suggestions to live a good life.  For the first, we should treat other people as we want them to treat us.  Do you do that?  If we truly lived this, the world would be a better place.  For the second, if you believe in an afterlife, it is vital to live in a way that you end up in the paradise of your belief.  As a Christian, I believe the only thing I can do to gain access to heaven it to believe and accept that Jesus paid the penalty of all my misdeeds.  No other effort on my part is good enough. 

 

As I’ve mulled over what it means to live in the winter season of life, I am left with the nostalgic paradox of it all.  Spring is full of vibrant energy and a desire to thrive.  When we end spring and move into summer we desire to continue life as we have children of our own.  We are full of things to do as we nurture our own lives and those of our children.  With autumn, life begins to ebb.  The chicks leave the nest and we have more time to ponder who we are and what life is.  When the cold winds of winter blow and snow masks the dormant earth with frosty white, we are wiser still.  With our minds, we still feel much younger, but our bodies speak the truth. 

 

When my grandma Phillips died, she was 98.  Secretly, I hoped she would live to be 100.  For a long time, I wanted to live to be 100 but not just to live that long.  I wanted to be vibrant and look younger than my years.  When I reached 100, I wanted look like I was 70.  I don’t think I want that goal anymore. 

 

I don’t want to have a funeral attended by a mere few people.  For as long as I can remember, I wanted a funeral with many present.  It isn’t that I want a lot of people to be sad.  Rather, I want to have positively touched many lives.  I don’t want to outlive any good I do. 

Seasons of Life: Autumn

 

Since I was a sophomore in high school, Autumn has been my favorite season.  I firmly believe I am in the autumn stage of my life.  Yesterday, my youngest son and I were able to chat about different things and I mentioned this to him.  He seemed genuinely surprised to hear me say this.  As a result of this discussion, what follows are some of my thoughts about the four seasons of life.  

 

So what does the autumn season of life mean to me since that’s where I think I am?  Actually, I guess I’m not squarely in the middle of fall.  I’m in the beginning stages of fall.  I’m know I’m there because of the things I’m forced to consider for the first time.  My youngest moved out a few days ago.  The house seems emptier than expected.  I also have started thinking of retirement.

 

There is a retirement plan where I work.  Nevertheless, I haven’t bothered investigating it at all.  That is, until a few months ago when my company offered me a severance package.  I’m about 12 years from getting a full retirement here in the US.  Still, what I was offered to too good to ignore. 

 

We spoke with a financial advisor at our bank and he confirmed what we thought.  If I retired from my job, I would need to get another job.  With Covid reducing the job markets to bare bones, job prospects aren’t good.  

 

Autumn is the time you harvest the fruits of your labor.  Your kids are grown up and leave the house.  As noted in my comments about spring, when the nest is emptied, our eyes are opened to what our work was for.  Then you see if our children truly follow your advice.  Did you do enough to have a retirement nest egg?  If you were deficient during the summer, there is little time to make up for lost time.  

 

For me, I’ve always been more reflective when it is Fall.  I find myself soaking in the colors and smells.  Consequently, I am doing more of that now.  I want to reconnect with friends and family that were neglected during the child rearing years.  I know the days are getting short and I don’t have a lot of time. 

 

Next up, winter

Seasons of Life: Summer

 

Since I was a sophomore in high school, Autumn has been my favorite season.  I firmly believe I am in the autumn stage of my life.  Yesterday, my youngest son and I were able to chat about different things and I mentioned this to him.  He seemed genuinely surprised to hear me say this.  As a result of this discussion, what follows are some of my thoughts about the four seasons of life.  

 

For spring, I suggested it was filled with furious activity.  In many ways, summer is too.  However, the focus here is on the parents of the little ones.  They are building a life together.  They are building for their future.  As any parent, especially a mother, will tell you, there is constant motion and a moment to rest, take a nap, or relaxing hot bath is a blessing. 

 

Spring is about growing but it is something that just happens to babies and children.  They will grow and learn without their individual persistence.  In the summer season of life, you are growing with purpose.  When it comes to children, you should have a goal as to how your children will be as adults.  As a shared with my son, at the minimum, I want my kids to positively contribute to society.  Of course, I expect and want more but that is the minimum.  When it comes to children, parents must use the summer season to grow their children into a fully grown harvest. 

 

It is during this time of life wise parents begin preparing for retirement.  While most of the money earned goes toward everyday needs, a percentage should be saved for the future retirement.  

 

In a nutshell it can be said like this:  Summer is a time to tend the fields in hopes of a bountiful harvest to come. 

 

Next up, autumn

Seasons of Life: Spring

 

Since I was a sophomore in high school, Autumn has been my favorite season.  I firmly believe I am in the autumn stage of my life.  Yesterday, my youngest son and I were able to chat about different things and I mentioned this to him.  He seemed genuinely surprised to hear me say this.  As a result of this discussion, what follows are some of my thoughts about the four seasons of life.  

 

Spring is a time of birth.  I am sure this is a worldwide belief.  However, I also see it is as a time of unbridled action.  Growth always comes to babies without any effort on their part.  The bounty is great and incremental development continues in all areas of life. 

 

When I think of babies, I picture a little creature that desires to take in all there is in the world around them.  Little ones don’t want to go to sleep.  There is too much to do, see, and hear.  They fight sleep with all their being.  Of course, they eventually succumb.  Then they are little angels.

 

Like the seasons have no obvious starts and stops, other than our calendars, there are no certain signs of seasons of life.  Each of us is different and we transcend the times.  However, I feel there is a way to know when we have moved from once season to the next.  I feel there is a clear moment that points to the transition from spring to summer. When we move out of our parent’s house we are moving from spring to summer. 

 

I also believe we are given a new vision or understanding of who we are and where we are.  When a child leaves the nest, their eyes are opened to what they had while in the nest.  They didn’t see it when they were there.  Perhaps they finally understand the siblings they fought with but loved anyway.  Maybe they see the sacrifices their parents made.  Regardless, they suddenly have a new understanding in exchange for the transition they make.  

 

Next up, summer