The Magic Roundabout: Part IV

It didn’t really hit him right away, but one night it was different.  Maybe it was due to a cold that was beginning to affect him.  Perhaps it was stress from diagnosing a tricky problem on a customer’s car.  Regardless, the moment he stepped through the door to his house, he wasn’t happy. 

Hunger nagged him the whole drive home but there was nothing in the house that he wanted to eat.  He needed to shop for groceries and it was then that it hit him he was truly alone in the house.  He found that whenever he went, he would have to shop for one.  Cooking for two seemed better to Peter and he enjoyed whenever Marie did the cooking.  Now it was all on him. 

Even though he was hungry, he didn’t want to eat.  Was he supposed to go out and buy single serving TV dinners all the time?  Did he make a big pot of chili or stew and freeze the leftovers and eat them over the next month?  Oddly enough, he wasn’t sad that he was alone.  He was angry.  What was it all for anyway?  In a few years, Marie would graduate from college and probably move to the other side of the country and he might be lucky to see her once each year. 

Peter decided to order a pizza to be delivered.  At least now, Marie wasn’t around to bug him about not having sausage and pepperoni his pizza.  He could eat whatever he wanted so he ordered the works.  He had them put everything on it.  That’s the way he liked his pizza.  He would have cold pizza for breakfast.

As he munched his second slice, he thought of Marie and wondered what she was doing.  He smiled inwardly as the thought of a line from Forrest Gump:  “But late at night, I’d think of Jenny.”  So he thought of his daughter, the love of his life.  He wanted to see her and looked forward to the first break she got when she would come home.  Even if she wanted to ride home with someone, he wanted to go get her.  That way he could maximize his time with her.  Peter picked up his phone to call Marie. 

It was decided Peter would drive to get her the following Friday for the weekend.  They agreed on a couple activities when she got home, meals to eat, and a few laps around the roundabout. 

The Magic Roundabout: Part III

The van was packed and Peter pulled onto the highway that led to the city where Marie would attend college.  Silence hung in the air and pressed on them both.  Peter couldn’t find words.  His mind was jumbled with self pity at losing his daughter.  Marie was filled with anticipation and fear of the unknown.  For several minutes, soft spoken questions and one or two word replies were the only conversation.  Finally, Marie broke the ice.

“Daddy, what was the hardest part about mom dying?”

“Wow, that’s a tough one.  You mean besides my heart being ripped outta my chest?’

“Yes.”

He thought for a moment then said, “Probably just the simple fact that I was in over my head.  Your grandmas came and took care of you and taught me how to care for a baby.  I had no clue what I was doing.  I was counting on your mom to break me in when it comes to raising kids.  Of course, that didn’t happen.”  Suddenly, he was choking back tears.  In the 18 years since Melissa died, Peter never grieved.  His time was spent caring for Marie and just trying to live and make a life.  He invested everything into his daughter.  His identity was his daughter and his work.  It was now dawning on him that he had no life outside of Marie and work.  Now what would he do when she was gone?  Rather than start crying like a baby he knew he had to switch tactics. 

“Do you remember some of things we used to do in the car?”

“Of course, I do.  What game do you want to play?”

That was balm for Peter’s soul.  They began playing road games and singing songs.  They bonded over the next hour of the trip.  They remembered the good times.  They made memories for this trip.  They enjoyed their time together.  As they entered the city of Marie’s college, there was a roundabout.  As they neared it, Marie asked, “Daddy, can we do something?”

“What’s that?”

“Let’s go around the roundabout a couple times.”

“What?”

“You know, don’t just turn off at our turn.  Let’s go completely around the whole thing a couple times.”

Peter didn’t reply.  He just grinned as he looked out the corner of his eye at Marie.  She noticed the look and smiled.  Peter started around the roundabout and said, “This will be our new road trip thing, ok?”

“Ok.”

After finishing the first lap, Peter accelerated slightly and both of them could feel the G forces push them to the right.  Marie giggled and Peter remembered how he loved her laughter when she was a baby.  Peter joined his daughter with a chuckle of his own.  He accelerated a bit more for the third lap and the wheels began to squeal.  Then he slowed to make his turn.  In unison, they said, “That was fun.”

Moving in was uneventful.  Peter met Marie’s roommate, Jenny, and her family.  After everything in the dorm was set up, the parents headed to an auditorium for an orientation.  Once that was done, Jenny’s parents had a rushed but tearful goodbye.  They faced a long drive home.  Peter took the girls out to dinner.  Just watching how they interacted, Peter felt they were a good match for each other. 

Later that night, he as on the side of his bed and stared at the clock radio for a moment.  His little girl was grown.  He was a little sad but filled with pride.  She was a nice young lady.  He said out loud, “Ya done good, dad.”

The Magic Roundabout: Part II

It was fortunate that Peter was an auto mechanic.  His new car had a few minor issues come up but he was able to fix them.  Marie enjoyed driving the car and she jokingly told her father she was looking forward to taking it to school when she left later that year. 

Peter looked at her for a moment, unaware of the jest.  He loved his daughter but he really liked his car.  He decided in his mind that he would let her take the car if she felt she needed it.  As he was about to express this to her, Marie laughed and said, “Daddy, I’m joking.  I don’t need a car when I’m on campus.  Besides, I’m only an hour and a half away and have friends who can take me around and back home when they go home on weekends.” 

“Just so you know that you mean more to me than the car.  You can have it if you want it.  You’ll have to pay the insurance but I can find another car.”

“Daddy, I don’t want a car.  I’d rather focus on school and saving as much money as possible.”

Graduation came and went and summer flew by much faster than Peter wanted.  Marie looked forward to starting college but also had some fear of the unknown.  She repeatedly told herself that she would be close to home.  She had a safety net.  Peter, who faced an empty home, chose to ignore the thought and poured himself into his work.  Soon enough, the day for Marie to move into her dorm was upon them.

Peter was able to borrow a van from the garage where he worked.  They planned to load the van that day and leave for the college the next morning.  Tensions were high since both of them were anxious about the day that loomed ahead.  Consequently, they got onto each other’s nerves.  There were arguments the whole afternoon.  After a pizza dinner, Kate, one of Marie’s friends, arrived.  She helped load a couple boxes and then invited Marie to her house to hang out “one last time” before Marie left in the morning. 

Peter wanted to spend as much time with Marie as possible and he wanted to forbid her to be with her friend.  Still, he had no reason not to allow it other than his own selfishness.  Therefore, he let her go.  He considered telling her to be home early but since the college was close, they didn’t have to be on the road very early.  They could leave as late as noon and still get everything done.  They merely were doing an early start so they could take their time and not feel rushed or stressed.

Marie left with Kate and Peter cleaned up the take out box of pizza and paper plates and straightened out the kitchen.  In his heart, he still didn’t want to face the fact that his little girl was leaving.  Ever since his wife died, Marie was all he had and he poured everything he had into his daughter.  He knew all along that he wanted his child to one day be a productive member of society.  He wanted her to be someone who gave and didn’t take.  As he got into bed, he realized that, so far, he had succeeded in that regard. 

While not a star athlete or straight A student, people liked and respected Marie.  She was someone who stood up for others when they needed it.  She wasn’t afraid to stick to her principles even when the majority was against her.  She worked hard at the jobs she had over the years and applied herself in school.  She was well liked by her peers, teachers, and people at the church she attended.  While Peter typically didn’t attend church, he would from time to time for Marie’s sake. 

With a satisfied but saddened heart, Peter began drifting off to sleep when Marie entered the house.  She came to the door of her father’s bedroom and softly said, “I’m home, daddy.”

“Thank you, sweetie.”

“I love you, daddy.”

“I love you, too.  More than you know and I very proud of you.”

The Magic Roundabout: Part I

When you boiled it down to the essentials, Peter only loved two things in life.  They were his daughter, Marie, and his car.  Of course, there were other things he liked.  He liked spaghetti.  He liked a good action movie.  He liked to watch football and sitcoms.  Still, if he had to give up anything in his life, the things he liked were easy to discard.  He would be upset to lose his car but it would be the death of him to lose his daughter. 

Peter lost his wife when she gave birth to Marie.  For nearly two years, he was in a fog as he grieved for his wife who he named his daughter after.  He knew nothing about children, let alone newborns.  He didn’t know how to feed them or change diapers.  His mother and mother in law took turns staying with him and Marie.  Slowly, he became more sure in his abilities to care for his daughter. 

When he was left to care for Marie by himself, he poured himself into the job.  Like all parents, he became an expert at changing diapers.  He wanted to cry each time he took her to daycare.  Her face was sad every time he walked away from her but the ladies at the daycare told him she was all smiles and laughs moments after he left.  Her face beamed when he picked her up at the end of the day.  It made his heart feel light.

Father and daughter bonded and were very close.  Like mothers, he understood her baby talk and the two them developed a language of their own.  His spirit soared when she laughed and she was silly enough to cause her own laughter.  Being a dad, he would play a little rough with her and she enjoyed it.  They played super heroes and would play fight each other.  Peter was always the villain and he always lost the fight. 

When Marie got older, Peter worked more hours at the shop where he was a mechanic.  He wanted to pay for her college and for Marie to focus on her studies.  She didn’t need to worry about finances.  That is what dad’s are for.  It was during the extra hours of work that Peter learned of his boss’s connections to buy cars. 

Peter wanted to purchase a car for Marie but she insisted she was not interested in having a car.  She had friends who could drive her around and she could borrow her dad’s automobile most every time she needed it.  True to the kind soul that she is, Marie insisted her father purchase a car that he truly wanted. 

About a year before Marie’s high school graduation, Peter went with his boss to an auto auction and the two of them looked over the many vehicles that filled the lot.  It was there that Peter found a car he fell in love with.  He saw a green, 1997 Nissan Maxima.  Peter looked it over.  Leather seats, sun roof, V6.  It was a beauty!  Yes, it was a sort of old but it was in great shape and the miles were few.  He had the money he needed to make the purchase and couldn’t stop smiling as he drove it home. 

Always sacrificing his own desires for his daughter, it was the first time since she was born that Peter splurged on himself.  When Marie saw it, she said, “Oh daddy, it’s a beaut!  I’m so happy for you.” 

Before long, it was time for Marie to go to college.  Trepidation filled Peter’s heart as he faced the reality of his little girl not being in the house.  During her high school years, she was gone more often and she was certainly independent but this was different.  He would be alone in an empty house filled with memories that he could share with no one. 

The Calling

 My whole life I have wrestled (sometimes I don't fight it at all) with depression.  Spring of my freshman year of college was one of the darkest periods of my life.  My roommate, Jym, introduced me to a cassette tape (that's how long ago it was) by Michael and Stormie Omartian.  The opening track has always spoken to me. 

That spring there were many times where I would listen to this song with tears in my eyes.  Of course, none of my roommates were around.  Still, the words to this song and the music spoke to me.  There was hope for a better day.   This song still speaks to me. 

I share these lyrics and a link so you can listen to it.  There is a lengthy musical intro but, to me, the song is pure gold. 


He comes to you in silence, like a sunrise in your heart,
Reflecting on the sea of your own making.
He offers in His hand the distant shore of all your dreams,
And says the gift is yours for the taking.
He lifts you to the mountaintop and shows you where you'll stand,
The prospects leave you breathless cause the vision is so grand.
Your time of faithful seeking has been rewarded by His voice,
And you know - you know you've already made the choice.

For He calls you from the shadows,
And He calls you out by name.
And instead you know you weary heart,
Will never be the same - never be the same.

The hopes you kept in hiding, well kept secrets of the mind,
Desires you've buried deep like a treasure.
He shows you how he planted them till there might come a time,
They'd be released to grow for His good pleasure.
Not a simple minded freedom to neglect the things at hand,
But a soul assurance confidence in knowing where you stand.
A special royal summons to become what you're to be,
And you know - you know that you can trust in what you see.

For He calls you from the shadows,
And He calls you out by name.
And instead you know you weary heart,
Will never be the same - never be the same,
Never be the same.

He calls you to perfection, moving one day at a time,
But it will never be of your own striving.
It's His perfection working in you as He's given place,
A life that wants for more than just surviving.
It won't be your star rising in a world that's torn apart,
It's gonna be the Morning Star that rises in your heart.
You trust him to accomplish in the way that He sees best,
And you know - you know that you have found your place of rest.

For He calls you from the shadows,
And He calls you out by name.
And instead you know you weary heart,
Will never be the same - never be the same,
Never be the same.

Childish Things

When I was younger, I thought the way a child thinks.  Now I am older and think like a man.  I want to search the depths of the vast expanse of God.  I gain an understanding here and there and marvel at what I see.  But lately, I want to be a child again.

Past fears and present realities have nailed me square between the eyes.  I want someone to comfort me and tell me I'm okay.  I want to shrug responsibilities and refuse to move until I'm taken care of.  What frustrates me most is that God won't allow my childish actions.  I can no longer claim that I'm too weak or that I lack the faith.  I've reached the age where I can no longer say that God doesn't care.  I know better.

The Father calmly reminds me that circumstances are to draw out the faith He has already placed in my heart.  I remember thinking once that if it take the faith the size of a mustard seed to move a mountain, it must not take much to get me through my situation.  Since God gives to everyone a measure of faith, that measure must be enough regardless of the complexity of the moment.  

No, I don't like it at all.   I want to claim weakness and have Him rescue me again so I can tell others how He reached down and touched me.  I'm afraid that's not what He wants.  He wants me to do away with childish things and be the man He wants me to be.  He wants me to use the stupid, everyday, mundane, annoying situations to draw out my faith and trust that He is still in control.  Now I am older and must put away my toys.  It's time to be a man.  

New Year Haiku

Starting it off right
But will you complete it all?
There's always next year