Marriage and Parenting

As a father of four and being wed for many years, I want to share some thoughts about marriage and parenting. 

Marriage

1        Do not marry someone because you love them.  Now that I have your attention, let me clarify.  Too many people marry someone because of how that person makes them feel.  They feel a tremendous excitement being around him/her.  The truth is what they feel is a combination of w things.  The first is you are both on your best behavior.  Everyone wears the façade of caring, compassion, and gentleness early in relationships.  It will fade with time.  Also, early in relationships you are filled with happy hormones like serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins.  As time wears on, these will too. 

2        Sex has a way with making you confused about who you love when you shouldn’t love them.  This is largely because of the point I just made.  Whether you have religious convictions or not, having sex with someone ties you to them.  I realize some people can sleep around and they feel nothing but the reality is you aren’t making your life any easier.  Sex outside of marriage causes more problems than it removes.

3        If you are married, you WILL have marital problems.  I’ve always considered it this way:  If you have siblings and grew up in the same household with the same parents, I guarantee you fought with your siblings.  What makes you think life will be happily ever after when you become married to someone who grew up in a different home with different rules?  Differences will occur.  You must decide how to deal with them.  As my grandma used to say, its ok to fight but you must keep talking to each other.  When you stop talking the real problems start. 

Having babies

1        Sex is the easiest part of having babies.  In reality, parenting is a full time job as long as your kids live in your house.  Nevertheless, here is something I want you to consider.  Every child you raise has a impact on the world.  Yes, some more than others but armed with that knowledge, how do you raise kids?    For my wife and I, at minimum, we wanted our kids to influence the world around them in a positive manner.  I want them to be adults who help those in need.  Personally, I hope they help the widows, orphans, poor, imprisoned and forgotten people on the world.  If everyone did that, wouldn’t you agree the world would be a better place. 

2        You are the adult.  I see many parents give into every whine and whim of their children.  My mom used to say she couldn’t stand whiny child.  She would rather hear a child cry than whine.  If I wanted to whine, she would spank me so I would cry.   Now before you think my parents abused my siblings and I, I can honestly say I only remember being spanked twice.  My parents knew spanking wasn’t necessary to discipline me.  Since you are the parent, start parenting.  You children should never run you or your household.  Make them behave according to your rules. 

3        Since your job as parents is to prepare them for living their own life, include your kids in household chores.  Do it early but according to their abilities.  If a child can take something from a box and throw it on the floor, they can throw it back into the box.  When my kids were small, I made their school lunches every day.  Then one year I told them I would make the sandwiches but hey had to get their preferred drinks and snacks.  They knew where everything was so it wasn’t difficult.  The next year they also had to make their sandwiches.  They also learned to vacuum the floors, make their beds, wash and fold clothes and clean the kitchen and bathrooms.  Yes, we often cleaned the kitchen and bathroom again when they weren’t looking but they got better and better.  I believe it important you help your kids be successful in life.  Household maintenance and management will be required as long as they live.  Teach them young.

I hope these thoughts help.