When I was single and out on my own for the first time, a friend of mine gave me a bed to use since I didn't have one yet. She said the only problem was that there was a spring coming through on one side. I thought a springy bed was better than sleeping on the floor. I was grateful and thanked her for the bed.
Little did I
know that this was the spring that was sent on a mission from Satan himself
Since the spring made a small hole on the opposite side of the big hole,
I put a towel over it. I made the bed and went to sleep looking forward
to a night of relaxing, blissful rest.
The beast had
other plans. It sat there, biding its time. It plotted and planned
until the precise moment when I would roll over onto it. I lay there
drifting in the highlands of my mind when it happened.
I rolled over
onto the spring. The spring stretched its entire length to maximize the
penetration it could make into my body. Like the whalers of long ago, I
was harpooned in the backside. I let out yelp and sprung (no pun
intended) out of bed and lay on my stomach so I wouldn’t bend or break the
skewer that I knew was protruding from my buttocks.
Visions of
emergency room doctors and nurses passing out at the sight of the hideous spear
flashed through my mind. I mourned the fact that I may never run again
let alone walk. I might not even be able to sit properly.
As I lay there
moaning, my roommate walked in the room.
“What are you
doing on the floor?” he asked.
I figured he
must be half asleep and, therefore, blind. How could he miss such a large
spring sticking out of my butt.
“Dave, the bed
stabbed me.” I said.
“Where?”
“What do you
mean where? It’s right….” I looked behind me. There was
nothing there. That crafty spring had made its way back into the bed
without anyone seeing it. My roommate snickered, rolled his eyes, and
went back to his room.
Though I vowed
to never be harpooned like that again, there were many more nightly contests
with the evil bedspring. Fortunately, I have lived to tell the tales.
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