A New Story: Changing

One mechanism the counselor added to the joint sessions for Bob and Marsha, required them to hold hands throughout the meeting.  They were to do the same when at home and an argument was brewing.  Both thought this a silly process.  How could holding hands help the marriage or during an argument?  It didn’t take long before the process was tested. 

Bob was discussing a topic and Marsha wasn’t pleased with the accusatory tone of his remarks.  Immediately, she pulled away from Bob and the counselor noticed this.  Marsha knew she was wrong, paused and grudgingly put her hand back into Bob’s.  Slowly, they learned they severed connections to one another over the years.  Though married, they lived separate lives.  Instead of becoming one flesh, as was stated during their wedding ceremony, they lived dual lives.  They lived one life for themselves and a smaller one for the marriage.

Over the weeks of therapy, they saw mistakes clearly and learned mechanisms to deal with disappointment and unmet expectations.  They learned unmet expectations were the common denominator in failed marriages.  Also, most people found it easier to give up than stand and fight for their marriages.  Slowly, they realized unmet expectations were exactly the issue that caused them to go their different ways.  Rather than continue in sadness, Bob distanced himself to avoid getting hurt. 

Marsha wished Bob was more attentive and listened to her.  She was vocal about her disappointment.  The constant criticism caused Bob to pull away.  It was a vicious cycle that built until Bob snapped the day he walked out. 

They each read a book the counselor gave them.  They did the exercises detailed at the end of each chapter and concentrated on positive things about their spouse.  Bob worked on valuing his wife like when he courted her.  He focused on loving her in the little things.  As a result, Marsha felt cherished. 

She did her part by putting emphasis on the positives of Bob’s behavior.  Rather than highlight every shortcoming, she worked to give positive reinforcement.  This was difficult in the beginning.  By habit, she complained about things that disappointed her.  Little by little, she saw even the smallest efforts and praised them.  Even small moments of honor from Marsha charged her Bob.  They began to see light.  They began to believe they had a future.  They were changing their story.