Window

My mind’s eye is a window with panes of glass to my soul.  This ever rotating glass houses the delicacies of my heart.  Heavenly promises I see in the flashes of light beyond.  That is, if I am looking then.  Sometimes my eyes are closed.  Sometimes I refuse to see.  Too often, I am blind. 

Misunderstandings blur my eyes.  Erred perceptions scrape away the cones.  False discernments taint clarity and the glass stains with each drop of blood.  Sightless, I fumble for light beyond.  Unseeing, my life grinds on, dragging through the sand. 

Even still, the light shines through.  Sometimes I even look to see it. 

 

 

Shorties: Number 50

This is an excerpt from my story The Parting


Samantha grew up the middle of three girls in family that had an abusive, alcoholic father. Her young life was spent always trying to make sure she had everything perfect for she never knew in what condition her father would be whenever he came home. He was an angry, violent drunk. The slightest thing could set him off. Her mother had tried for years to appease him and protect her girls but eventually the bottle became her escape also. Consequently, three young girls had to fend for themselves.

When she reached her teens, Samantha found that by giving a little of herself to boys, she could get an escape from home life and she felt like people liked her. Though the acceptance she sought was always followed by a twinge of guilt, it was easier than the terror at home. When she moved out and went to college, she continued what she knew. It was just who she was, what she did. But she started to use men the same way she felt used by her parents. Subconsciously, it was a form of revenge for what she endured at the hands of her father. It was also a bit of “I need to hurt them before they hurt me.”

After she met Charlotte, they two spent time one day talking about past holidays. Charlotte had many fond memories despite coming from a relatively poor family. Finally, Samantha shared that things were difficult when she was growing up but Christmas was different. Her father always made it a point not to drink during the month of December. New Years Eve was an exception to that December rule. Still, there was something magical about Christmas and she simply shared with Charlotte that it seemed a piece of heaven came down to earth during the Christmas season. Charlotte told her how right she was and the God sent His Son to the earth so that we could all be with Him in heaven. The words didn’t really mean much to Samantha at the time but they came back as she listened to Pastor Bill’s words.

She heard a story of a world subjected to endless cycles of meaninglessness. Everything in the world had cycles. 60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. Month after month, year after year. If you believe the scientists, this maddening circle of life has been going on for billions of years. Yet it seems God does nothing. He doesn’t care. As a few of our Founding Fathers believed, God made everything then went off to do His own thing and left us to fend for ourselves. But God was not done with us. He let the Hebrews stay in the bonds of slavery so He could make a nation for Himself. When time was right He interjected Himself into their lives and showed His awesome power through many miracles.

His people could not stay faithful to Him. It was impossible for them to keep the laws He gave and they went back to their old ways. But He remained faithful to them. Therefore, He demonstrated His better idea. Since they were powerless to be perfect like Him, He became like them. God intersected humanity but He was completely human and still completely God. We knew there was something different about Him. It was like a 3D being coming to live in a 2D world.

No longer did we have to be stuck in the monotony of our lives. No longer were we chained to maddening cycles of life. God came. God is with us. Everything is different now. Great joy is now for us because God is with us. Can we truly imagine what that actually means?

Samantha knew it meant something to her. Tears of joy streamed down her face as she listened to Pastor Bill. Bob noticed Samantha’s tears and put took her hand in his. Samantha believed. God has not forsaken His creation. God loved us. Samantha had heard this before but it was finally personal. God loved Samantha. She thought to herself, “Heaven did come to earth at Christmas. Only it wasn’t a piece of heaven. It was God Himself come down to be with us. God loves me. He loves me enough to stoop to my level since I could never reach His. Gratitude flooded Samantha’s heart and continued spilling down her cheeks. She was ready for the cycles to be broken.

The emptiness she felt for so long began melting away as she believed the words she heard. She gave her heart to God. She felt whole. She felt at peace.

A thrill of hope. The weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees. Oh hear the angel voices, oh night divine oh night when Christ was born.

Snowfall

Swirling flakes

Hear them sing

Erubescent cheeks

Feel the sting

(c) December 2017

DWP

You Were Too Young

You were too young

To understand

A babe

But my world shook

The day you looked into my eyes

And recognized a human soul

© December 2017

Duane Windell Phillips

That Day

Faith floats heavily

Amidst the fragments

Retrieve the shards

That burst the bubble

Dig deeply

Open the soul

Bury the heart

Superfluous organ

Bashed and tossed

My eyes close

To see less

 

© December 2017

Duane Windell Phillips

December 7, 1980

I was delivering newspapers for the Peoria Journal Star.  It was a cold and rainy morning and I was miserable.  Cold and wet, but trying to keep the papers dry, I walked from house to house putting the morning paper in the customer’s mailbox or inside the storm door.  Actually, I ran from house to house in an effort to get done as soon as possible but I also wanted to get stronger.  Just three months prior, I came close to dying before my 16^th birthday.

September 5^th has special meaning in my family.  It is my mom’s birthday.  It also was the day I had an emergency appendectomy.  It started on Tuesday, September 2^nd.  Mom made a tasty and filling dinner of spaghetti and salad.  For dessert, she made chocolate-tunnel of fudge cake.  Being a growing teenage boy, I ate my fill of spaghetti but had to cram in as much dessert as possible.  Of course, I ate too much and believed I waddled around the house afterward.  I felt a bit of indigestion but didn’t think much of it. 

As the night progressed, pain in my stomach grew worse and moved to the lower right quadrant of my torso.  When I woke the following morning and told my parents, we agreed I should stay home from school.  Mom called throughout the day and visited during her lunch break.  I had no appetite and didn’t eat.  It was several days before I ate anything of consequence.  I don’t remember how the pain affected me other than it wasn’t terrible.  I wasn’t doubled over in pain.  I could walk and move about but certain movements brought greater discomfort. 

At some point, the word appendicitis was mentioned by someone.  My dad had suffered this before and remarked since I wasn’t doubled over in pain that couldn’t be the correct diagnosis.  I slept fitfully through that night and stayed home from school the following morning.  However, after a shower and some crackers I felt I could go to school.  Mom took me to school but I was only there a short time when I felt much worse.  I didn’t want to leave early and simply toughed out the remaining hours until the bell rang for our dismissal. 

There were two ways to walk home from the school.  The shortest route is out the back, over the railroad tracks and across a small creek and it is only 1 block to home.  The other way follows the streets.  I honestly wasn’t sure I could make it home the short way and feared passing out and not being found.  Therefore, I started walking slowly down the street.  I stopped a few times as some students passed by.  They asked how I was and a couple walked with me until our paths parted.  I got home safely but felt much worse.

I remained home the following day, my mom’s birthday, still wondering what was wrong with me.  Mom called from work to say she was taking me to a doctor during her lunch break.  The doctor said I had to get to the emergency room as soon as possible.  I had an acute appendicitis.  The doctors at the hospital confirmed this diagnosis and soon were prepping me for emergency surgery. 

It all happened so fast and I actually wanted to have the surgery.  I’d never stayed in a hospital before except when I was born.  It seemed like a new adventure.  Still, I knew it was mom’s birthday and I didn’t want to ruin it.  Regardless, I had no choice in the matter.  I later learned the appendix probably ruptured as early as Tuesday.  The surgeon said my colon somehow formed a sac around the poison from the ruptured appendix and prevented it from spreading throughout my body.  Otherwise, it was likely I would have died.

Mom was allowed a final visit before my surgery and we talked briefly.  I could see the fear and concern in her eyes.  As the hospital staff began moving me to surgery I said,”Don’t worry mom.  I’ll be alright.”  She began to cry. 

I remember waking to terrible pain from the incision in my stomach.  Also, my mouth was terribly dry.  I also recall feeling a rash on my right leg.  I had an allergic reaction to something during surgery.  I remained in the hospital for six days.  My gastrointestinal system had completely shut down and I couldn’t leave until it was up and running again.  Also, they filled me with antibiotics all but the last full day in the hospital. 

I was never fat as a youngster but I lost 20 pounds during that week.  I had lost much strength and wanted a way to build it back up.  Days before my illness a lady contacted me about delivering newspapers.  I had done it before for a competing paper and planned to do it.  Once she learned of my hospitalization, she said she would wait until I was medically cleared to work. 

I neared the corner that would take me from Idlewhile Drive to Idlewhile Court.  I was cold, wet and angry.  It was my birthday and I hated the misery I felt.  I knew I was stronger than I was even two weeks before.  I was beginning to consider trying to get on the track team the following spring.  Yet, at that moment, I simply wanted to finish delivering papers to the remaining 20-25 homes. 

I look back now and remember hating that day.  I hated the stupid newspapers I vainly tried to keep dry.  I hated being out in the cold only to get wet and colder.  My mood was a dark as the blackness of that early morning.  Then I turned the corner and a house at the end of Idlewhile Court left their Christmas lights on.  They had a string of blue lights across the front of the house.  At that moment in my life I felt they were the prettiest sight I had seen.  Suddenly, the drudgery I felt that morning seemed worth it.  The Christmas lights relit the embers of my heart that morning.

 

Shorties: Number 49

That night there was an epic family game of Clue.  Jane’s mother made three pots of popcorn on the stove and there was an assortment of drinks and other snacks.  As usual, her father won the first game.  He had a quick mind and seemed to know the cards everyone had.  Even though Jane didn’t win any of the four games played this night, the revelry was palpable and laughter unrelenting.  Jane felt tension wash away as they played. 

It was her little brother, Ken, who first saw snowflakes falling outside.  By the end of the final game of Clue, the outside world was covered by a thin blanket of white.  Ken asked who wanted to walk with him around the block.  Only Jane wanted to join him.  Just like Ken, as soon as he was outside, he had to take a few quick steps and stop and slide to gauge how slippery it was.  Then, as Jane stepped outside, he bent down and scooped two handfuls of snow.  In a flash, he packed a snowball in his hands and threw it at Jane.  She anticipated it and simply dipped down the make her own snowball. 

After a quick snowball fight that darted across and down the driveway, sister and brother began walking down the street.  Jane looked up at the flakes illuminated in the streetlights.  Like volcanic ash returning to cover the earth, snow cascaded dreamily toward the earth.  The two walked without conversation, soaking in silent wonder that is snowfall.  Jane peered at her brother out of the corner of her eye.  She noted the redness in his cheeks.  She was certain hers were the same.  The crunching beneath their feet made Jane smile. 

Cold began to bite her fingers and toes causing Jane stuffed her gloved hands into the pockets in her jacket.  Ken asked, “So how’s college treating you?  Is it what you expected?”

Jane considered how to answer.  College was more than she expected.  Other than recent heartbreak with a boy she liked, it hadn’t disappointed.  Finally, Jane replied, “It’s been good.  How’s your junior year?”

The two walked and talked for more than an hour as snow accumulated on their hats and jackets and extremities felt the icy sting dig in deeper.  When they returned, Ken trudged to the wood pile and grabbed a few logs for the fire.  He dropped them on the concrete to knock off the snow accumulation.  Once snow covered clothing was removed, Ken made his way to the fireplace and piled on the logs.  By this time, the house was asleep.  Only brother and sister moved about the home as they made cups of hot cocoa.  Then they sat on the floor directly in front of the fire that now blazed hot.

As they sat talking about their lives, Jane realized she was entering the world of adulthood.  No longer would she have child sized problems.  They would be bigger.  Jane saw this change in life also meant a shift in relationships at home.  Ken would always be her little brother and she would always be the daughter of her parents.  Yet, she was becoming an equal to her parents.  The concept boggled her mind but in this moment, she would cherish where she was in life.  She was a big sister and daughter.  They rest would come fast enough.