Break free

A couple quotes hitting me today

Our acts can be no wiser than our thoughts. Our thinking can be no wiser than our understanding.

George S Clason

God’s grace is not only for our imperfections and weaknesses and failures. His grace is a reflection of His character and His nature, not our weaknesses.

AW Tozer

I have to take a stand to make the changes my heart and life require. If I am to go down my road prepared for me I must cast aside the baggage I’ve carried for too long. 

Lord give me Your strength to do it. 

A Question From a Coworker

A coworker asked me, “What if you loved people in your life as if you knew it was their last day on earth?”

As humans, we push eternity to the fringes and place it in a box so it is hidden from view. Only when securely there do we feel safe. Consequently, death is a stage of life we address only when it forced upon us. 

I believe myself to be a considerate person. I am very flawed but I feel love,  kindness, and compassion are essential in our daily interactions with everyone and want to embody each of them. Therefore, if someone I love would leave their earthly body I would strive to be purposeful in my interactions with them so that my love for them is obvious. Since I know them I would engage them in words and deeds that speaks love to them. 

I would also speak words that need to be said. By this I mean speaking what I would regret not saying when they die. With these words, if I know them painful to hear, they would be stated with double love and compassion.  

Finally, since they were part of my life we have shared history. I would retell stories of our past. We would laugh and cry as the parade of spirits remind us of who we are to each other and who we are because of the other. 

Conversations: Seek What is Real

 

I recently met with a friend I hadn't seen for a few years.  He is a former pastor and current first responder chaplain.  There is so much I could share about him that is simply amazing.  Part of that is simply due to his vocations.  

We met at a coffee shop where he normally meets with his first responders.  He began making podcasts of these meetings.  They are live and you can hear the atmosphere on the audio.  Frank arrived shortly after I did.  Nevertheless, I was delayed greeting him because so many people know him.  

Our time together began with some familial updates and I had questions about where he studied theology.   He then shared his story about how all of that unfolded.  Looking back, I know I longed for a deeper connection than what we were having.  It wasn't that we weren't sharing our hearts.  It was simply that we hadn't talked long enough to get to something of vital importance.  

We were about half way into our 2 hour conversation when Frank said something that hit me. It is funny to me now that I don't even remember what he said but when he did, I was filled with a joy that spilled out of my lips when I said, "I love you."  Frank simply smiled, nodded, and replied, "I love you, too."  

How often do we miss out on the important conversations because we are hooked on the fast and easy instead of in-depth and real?  Earlier this year, my youngest son and I had a real talk.  It wasn't nearly as long because he got to their point immediately and I happened to be in a place in life I was able to quickly speak the words he needed to hear.  I could tell he absorbed them and they were what he needed.  It was dark and, shortly, he left to go home.  

My wife must have been visiting her mother or something because I was alone and literally had all the lights off when the doorbell rang.  It was my son.  He was standing there with tear fill eyes.  In a deep, strong embrace, he sobbed how much he loved me and appreciated what I said.  I should say, my words were not mere platitudes.  Instead, they were words about life's challenges and how God will make us face them sometimes regardless of what we want and how long we must suffer them.

Dear reader, in this holiday season, seek what is real.  Take and make time to have real conversations.  Be authentic with ourselves and those we love.

Our Leaders

Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right.  ~ Abraham Lincoln

Another US presidential election is upon us.  There is a lot of division in our nation and each side says their candidate is our savior and the other will destroy us all.  Christians should never place their trust in people. 

In his second inaugural address, Abraham Lincoln poetically described the terrible war and how each side was certain they were right.  He said, "Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes his aid against the other.  It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces; but let us judge not, that we be not judged.  The prayers of both could not be answered--that of neither has been answered fully.  The Almighty has his own purposes."

Brothers and sisters in Christ, I ask you to pray to our Heavenly Father and seek His will for the one in whom we should vote.  His kingdom come and His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  He will see that His purposes will be done. 

We must also pray for our leaders and ask God to raise up Godly people to lead in this country and other countries.  

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.  

Romans 13:1

Getting Joseph Out of Joseph

 

 

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.  

James 1:12

Joseph was papa’s favorite and he knew it.  So did the rest of the family because Joseph loved telling them.  Have you ever had a sibling, normally the youngest, who knew and acted like they were special?  Joseph, one if Jacob’s many kids, liked to brag about his status in the family.  He even told them about dreams he had where whole family bowed down to him.  Ironically, Joseph was not wrong.  How aggravating is that?

 

God had a plan for Joseph to save his family and the world but He couldn’t use Joseph the way he was. Joseph was too proud and God had to eliminate that before he would be useful for God’s purposes.  Don’t believe me?

 

If Joseph wasn’t sold into slavery, chances are he never would have gone to Egypt.  He never would have interpreted Pharoh’s dreams AND suggested what Pharoh should do about them.  Even if all those things had miraculously happened, Joseph was still full of himself.  Would he have forgiven his brothers when he saw them in Egypt buying grain?  Doubtful at best.  Joseph was too full of pride to be used for God's purposes.  As many times as I’ve read and heard this story in Genesis, I never made that connection until I heard a sermon about a year ago.  The pastor emphasized the point with this phrase:

 

“God had to get Joseph out of Joseph.”

 

Upon hearing that phrase I was immediately convicted of the trials I complained about.  Why, God, why?  How many times do you think Joseph wondered why?  Why did his brothers sell him into slavery?  Why did Potiphar’s wife wrongly accuse him?  Why did he languish in prison in spite of finding favored status with the jailer?  Why did Pharoh’s cup bearer forget about him for so long?  How much more weight did all these things carry to one so proud?  But God had to get Joseph out of Joseph.  

 

God is still getting Duane out of Duane.  He is working on you too.  Let Him work in your heart and life and turn to him when you endure the fires designed to remove the impurities.  Become the instrument He wants to use.  

 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

Munich and Romania

This is the first of a multi-part series based on my observations from a recent Eastern European trip my wife and I took. In each I will share thoughts and tips.  

The first stop on our European trip was Munich.  I cannot offer anything on the city itself since it was merely a step to get to Romania.  I will say we stayed at the NH Munich Airport Hotel which is mere minutes away.  The hotel provides transfers for a modest fee.  Actually, it is free to the airport but 7 euros per person to return.  

Since we were too early to check in, the young man at the desk offered to hold our luggage and give us free transportation back to the airport where we could catch a train into the city or take a train to a couple towns nearby in order to sightsee.  He allowed us time to consider our options and we connected to the hotel wifi and chatted for a while.  

We decided to go into the city.  By this time, there was a new employee working the front desk.  He was emphatic there is no free transportation to the airport.  Did the young man misspeak or not know?  Not sure. However, this gentleman instead gave us a free room upgrade which meant we could get a free shuttle to the airport.  Also, an upgraded room was ready for us.  

The room had a comfortable king sized bed and pillows. The bathroom had hot water for the shower, and ample towels.  I was surprised to learn the items in the refrigerator were complimentary.  Also, there was a kettle and a variety of teas.  Finally, there was a Nespresso machine.  Yum!

Our dinner and dessert were very good but pricey.  The breakfast buffet had many options of cheeses, fruits, cold cuts, pastries, yogurts, and some hot dishes.  With a price of 20 euros per person, we opted to leave early for the airport.  I don't eat as much as I used to.

We spent $133 for our brief stay there.  I always try to find a bargain and wish it was less but we enjoyed our stay in NH Munich Airport hotel.  If you are passing through Munich and need a place to stay, you can’t go wrong here.  

We flew Air Dolomiti from Munich to Cluj Napoca, Romania.  We were visiting a friend who lives in Romania. The gate agents were late arriving.  Once there, it was obvious the flight wouldn’t leave on time but no word as to why.  A few minutes later there was an announcement they were “still working on the plane.”  

Ultimately, the flight was about 30 minutes late.  Nonetheless, the service was decent and the airplane seemed in good condition.  The cabin was clean and flight attendants were friendly.  We’ll use them again without hesitation.  

Romania was a three day stop so I can only mention a few touristic must sees.  The Turda Salt Mine is simply amazing.  How many underground mines have you visited where you can get in a paddle boat on a subterranean pond?  You can also ride a ferris wheel and play ping pong.  I found the acoustics other worldly.  We got in for 30 Romanian lei each.  That’s about $6.50 per person.  

We were taken to an amazing restaurant in Târgu Mureș called Tempo on Strada Morii.  Actually, we went there twice.  The first time I had stuffed cabbage with some beef rib meat.  Amazing.  My wife had goulash.  Also amazing.  Yes, this meal, and very little prompting from our friend, encouraged us to go again the next day.  The next day I got a bean soup served in a loaf of bread.  I liked it.  My wife got a soup but neither of us can remember what it was called.  You must get the Romanian dessert Papanași cu gem.  If you buy it here, it is enough for three people.  

If you like coffee, you can got a great cup from Mr. Pop Coffee. He has a cafe near the corner of Strada Targului and Piata Bernady Gyorgy.  He also has a cafe truck near Cetacea Târgu Mureș off Strada Nicolae lorga.  I also highly recommend going to Ohana.  My friend had me try his new favorite: cold brew tonic.  I did try it and it is ok.  I think I prefer straight cold brew.  If you go to Ohana, please tell Manu I recommended his place and I say, “Hi.”

Here are some observations about Romania.  The main roads are good.  It is an old country with a very diverse past and the tensions, (I don't mean that in a bad way) are still felt.  Most younger people speak English or enough to get by. More than anything, it seems Romania likes to surprise you.  We bought some groceries from a local Lidl grocery. We bought both kefir and milk along with fruit and muesli.  My friend has lived there long enough he knew the bottle of milk said milk on it.  Lo and behold, it was kefir.  We asked someone staying where we lodged and they agreed the label said milk.  Both she and my friend said stuff like that happens sometimes.  

Next up:  Our bus trips on FlixBus

#romania @ohanacoffeegrounds #mrpopscoffee #travel #mrpopcoffee

   

Priceless

 

Silas walked through the kitchen humming one of his favorite songs.  Dragging his hand along the refrigerator, he looked out the window and pointed.  “Leaf,” he said. 

 

Turning to the window, his grandpa Duane said, “Yes, leaf.  Many leaves.”  He stressed each word so the lad could hear the difference,  Then Silas spied his rake.  Immediately, he repeated, “Rake, rake, outside, outside, outside.”  Grandpa said, “You have to wait a minute.  You need your shoes.”

 

“Shoes, shoes, boots, boots.” 

 

“Yes, yes, come here little boy.”

 

Silas grabbed his boots and held them up to Duane as he stepped closer.  One of the boots slipped from Silas’s grasp and he said, “Oops!  Mess, mess.”  

 

Grandpa Duane smiled.  The boy was becoming quite the chatterbox.  He loved saying words he knew and being outside with his grandpa.  With his boots on, Silas reached for the doorknob but couldn’t turn it let alone fully reach it.  When Duane stretched out his hand to the door, Silas retrieved his and, excitement building, moved back to allow the swinging door to open. 

 

Silas stepped to the threshold and reached for his grandpa’s hand.  He repeated, “Hand. Hand.”  Once the little fingers wrapped around his grandfather’s pinkie, Silas stepped outside.  With both feet firmly on the ground, Silas started toward his rake.  Again, he hummed a melody as he walked.  He was in nature and he soaked it in.  Hearing a distant noise, Silas stopped and looked in that direction.  It was the garbage truck somewhere in the neighborhood.  

 

The little boy turned to Duane, pointed in the direction of the truck, and said, “Truck, truck.  Big truck.” 

 

“Yes, big truck, isn’t it?”  

 

Whenever the garbage men came to empty the trash cans, Silas wanted to watch.  Any time he saw a truck or bus, Silas was in awe.  Duane watched as Silas listened.  He expected Silas to request going out of the back yard to watch the trucks.  Instead, the boy moved again to his rake.  It was a plastic toy rake.  He held the long pole in the center.  When he raked the leaves and pine straw, Silas made short choppy motions.  He favorite way to rake was to dismantle the piles his grandfather already made.  

 

Duane wordlessly stood watching Silas scatter leaves, pine cones, and pine straw from one of his piles.  Yes, he would have to rake it again.  Still, watching his grandson’s joy was priceless. 

Shorties 79

 Silas

The boy was warm and taking deep breaths.  Two year old Silas had been lying on his grandfather for 45 minutes.  Duane considered the weight of the child.  His wife would say she felt squished whenever he was on her.  She also joked she got her weight training carrying him.  Though he could walk, they loved to spoil him.  When he was sick, like today, Silas’s grandparents did all possible to ease his pain. 

 

Duane could feel the drool soaking his shirt.  Due to congestion, Silas was breathing through his mouth.  He had grown so much in two short years.  Duane marveled at Silas’s sense of humor despite him not laughing very often.  He preferred to make the humor rather than enjoy it.  Duane chuckled at the thought of something Silas likes to do.  The shaking of his body caused Silas to start.  Then he relaxed and his breathing resumed.

 

Silas has a knack for throwing things accurately.  His father, an athlete, is overjoyed by this.  One day, with his toy basketball set, Silas made three baskets in a row when standing two feet away.  All who witnessed this were quite excited and praised Silas for his accuracy.  Then he missed several shots in a row and after each, Duane said, “You missed.”

 

With his beloved childlike innocence, he got excited about this too.  After each miss he exclaimed, “I missed.”  Each time this caused a great outroar of laughter.   He continues to do this to his great personal delight.  With a heart warmed by love,  Duane hugged Silas and tenderly kissed his head.  Duane mused how snuggling with babies on his chest is one of the best gifts on God’s green earth. 

 

“Papa?” Silas whispered.

 

Softly, Duane replied, “Silas?”

 

Silas made no further reply and Duane wondered if the lad was asleep again.  Then Silas pushed up and sat on Duane’s stomach.  Looking down at his grandfather, Silas stared absently for a moment.  Silently, he started looking around the room.  Silas began gesturing to items in the rooms and calling out their names.  ‘Lock, (clock), pillow, blanky, hand, head, ear, mouth, etc.  Then he gestured to the ceiling fan.  As always, he thrust out his hand, like he could cause changes in the natural order of things, and commanded, “Stop!”

 

Duane smiled.  Silas smiled.  All was right in the world. 

Shorties: 78

 

The air was frigid but inmate hearts were colder.  Another trainload began expelling a bewildered and terrified cargo while Sarah dragged bodies from the shower by the arms and across the ground.  Being ordered by a guard, Naomi approached and bent down to the feet of the corpse Sarah dragged.  She recognized this dead woman who was new to the camp.  It still had muscle and fat on the body. 

 

Beyond weary, Naomi took a deep breath and the two woman lifted and tossed the body onto a pile of death.  Except one of the feet slipped for Naomi’s grasp.  The torso landed on the corner of the pile and tumbled awkwardly to the ground.  Landing face down, a hollow thud resounded when the forehead slammed against the concrete. 

 

Sarah cursed inwardly as she heard one of the guards approaching and screaming insults.  Because they didn’t get the body onto the pile, there would be one additional exertion to their bankrupt energies.  Again, they bent down and took hold of the extremities.  This time they paused an extra beat to ensure firm holds and muster an additional ounce of strength.  Then, ignoring the shouts of the guards, both women lifted and swung in unison and the body flew with a perfect arc onto the top of the pile.  Another one down.  Still an infinite number to go.  It would never end.  The supply was continuously replenished.

 

Scanning the train passengers now standing in front of the vacant boxcars, The Nazis always chose the strongest for work details.  The weakest adults and youngest children were doomed.  Sarah noted a large number of children.  She was happy to know there would be lighter loads in the near future when she cleared the showers of bodies after they were gassed. 

 

Screams drew Sarah’s eyes to a woman being dragged to one side by two guards.  She struggled against them as two youngsters, screaming in fear, toddled toward their mother.  One child lost its balance and bent at the waist to catch himself.  The other continued to mommy.  A guard grabbed that child’s hand and pulled it away.  Fully righted and balanced, the first continued on.  Both needed their mother’s comfort in this obscene cesspool.  A booming crack split the air and he slammed to the ground dead.  

 

The gunshot from an officer’s pistol momentarily froze the all who witnessed the scene.  Enraged, the mother wrenched free from the hands encircling her.  She ran five steps toward the her lifeless first born when a rifle butt split her bottom lip and broke three teeth.  She fell into a heap in the dirt.  The guards allowed two women to help her to her feet and back to her designated section. 

 

Sarah saw it all with weary uncaring eyes.  Eleven months of this hell stole the heart from her chest and cast it into the deepest sea.  The body was alive but her spirit was a corpse.  This was the day Sarah realized her heart and soul were dead. 

The School of Life

 

My grandson is inching toward two years of age.  He is a sweet little boy who is quite talkative and has an amazing sense of humor.  His effervescent demeanor charms all who come in contact with him.  I also see a soft heart and gentle spirit in him.  The little boy warms my heart.

 

Recently, he started going to a day care 2 days per weeks.  On his first day of “school,” his mom, grandma, and I brought him there.  We took photos and he met his teacher.  It is hit me hard when I saw his face the moment he realized we were leaving him there.  I fought back tears as his spilled onto his cheeks.  In that moment, I wished life didn’t have to be like that.  Why should we have to separate, even for a short time, from our little boy?  I hurt for him.  I started to feel an existential question bubble up in my heart: Why must he/we do things we don’t want to do?  

 

We were able to watch him through a two way mirror and his fear eased as he clutched his blanket.  When we returned three hours later, he sat on the floor in the middle of the room looking through a book.  He loves books.  There were 2 children crying in the room but, with blanket in hand, he was lost in his book.  We called to him but he couldn’t hear us.  Finally, he turned, recognized us, and got up.  His eyes looked weary.  He normally would have had a nap but missed it. 

 

Driving home, I pondered my earlier thoughts about humans experiencing heartache.  On a primal level, I wish no one has to suffer the pain of separation or loss.  Unfortunately, life will never allow it.  We cannot be everywhere and everything to everyone.   As much as it hurts, we must experience disappointment, loss, and pain.  While it might sound like heaven, a life without negatives would be more hellish. 

 

Have you ever known someone who has lived life mostly alone and able to do as they wish?  Are they not eccentric?  I have family members who do not want to have children because kids will ruin their ability to travel.  I know their parents traveled with them when they were young so it can be done.  I’ll just get to the point.  When left to do as they please, people become spoiled.  Spoiled children are a nuisance.  Spoiled adults are boorish at best.  Who wants to deal with spoiled children or adults?

 

As I consider these situations, I find myself more grateful for the trials of life.  I haven’t always enjoyed them but I’ve grown and gained strength due to the fires. Iron sharpens iron and I know I’ve had people in my life who have challenged me.  By this, I mean their temperament was contrary to mine and I had to adjust.  I don’t like it but the callouses have fortified my soft heart and I have a greater appreciation for beautiful moments of my earthly existence. 

 

I’ve heard it said before we appreciate light because of darkness.  Because of life’s challenges, we can embrace pain, loss, heartache, abandonment and other privations of life.  Perhaps we can’t while in the moment.  I am very acquainted with the darker times of life.  Still, when your heart heals, (please seek help if this isn’t happening for you) your life can be so much more that it was before. 

Quest

 

Echoes in the halls
A promised land calls
Can you find the clout?
Or even know the rout?

Going from either to or
Always knocking the door
Release all your might
You will gain the sight

DWP

(c) May 2022

Grandma's House

It's funny how memories pop up.  

My dad's parents lived in Marquette, Michigan when I was very young.  For some reason, some memories of that place came to mind.  I'm just going to jot some of them down.  

The front door had a storm door that opened the opposite way from the main door.  That is, the storm door swung to the left but the house door to the right.  The storm door also had a device that would either hold it open or allowed it to slowly close.  I once got the pinky finger on my right hand caught in the door when it closed.  Looking back at that moment, I'm surprised it didn't break my finger.  

Since we lived in central Illinois, we didn't see my grandparents but once or twice each year.  Normally, we drove there in July.  There was one time we went and my grandparents had some sparklers.  My siblings and I ran around in the back yard one night, swinging our arms around to watch the light and colors of the sparklers.  I then tripped on the anchor used to hold the leash for the dog, Lady, so she couldn't leave the yard.  When I fell, my face fell onto the sparkler and burned my face on the right side near my lips.  

On a happier note, I remember once sleeping with my grandparents.  When I awoke in the morning, I remember grandma picking me up and setting me onto the floor.  As she turned, rolling on the bed, I reached out and grabbed her hair.  I still don't know why I did that.  

Just off the kitchen and, I think, in front of the back door, there was a chalk board.  Once, my sister and I drew pictures on it.  They were silly pictures.  She drew stick figures of me with either a huge body and tiny head or vice versa.  

I find it interesting that when I focus on memories and places like I am now, I remember more and more things.  I like these strolls down memory lane.  

A Man After God’s Own Heart

I met Alejandro while on a mission trip to the Talamanca region of Costa Rica about 8 years ago.  He was a young man who left the comforts of home, like the rest of us, to give gifts to underprivileged children in the jungle.  It was a long, exhausting trip that brought us to various groups of people.  It was equal parts joy and heartache to see the need but also the smiles of those receiving their gifts.  It was fun going down a river that bordered Panama in a dugout canoe type of boat. 

Alejandro and I sat in the back of the bus during our return to San Jose.  I was impressed by this young man.  He was still in high school but he WANTED to serve.  We have stayed in touch over the years.  He is now married and has a one year old daughter.  We joke she will marry my grandson. 

Today, Alejandro and his family are missionaries in Romania.  Today he and to other men he works with went to the Ukrainian border with some basic supplies and to see how they can help.  He told me what he saw broke his heart.  There is so much need.  I hope to share more soon about what they need and how we can help. 

#ukraine

Sick, Time Travel, Grandson

While I feel better than a few days ago, I feel I could sleep all day and all night.  Also, I just want to be warm.  Actually, I want to sweat.  Just to be hot and sweaty.  While I think I still can muster the strength for that, THAT isn’t what I mean.

I’ve noticed I crave salty foods.  Maybe it is some sort of electrolyte thing.  Hard to say.  I did get some Gatorade and Pedialyte.  I think I want some more. 

Sometimes when I am in bed I have moments like I’m lucid dreaming.  Actually, I had an episode a couple weeks ago where I dreamed about time travel.  (That has happened before and I even wrote a story based on what I saw in the dream.)  In this case, I my dream dealt with the fact that whenever we consider time travel, mind, body, and spirit must travel together.  What if we could leave the body behind?  That eliminates many obstacles to time travel. 

My grandson also has covid.  Poor little guy.  He just wants to be held.  I put him down yesterday and he slept in his bed for a while but awoke crying.  I went and picked him up and laid him on my chest for a while.  I could tell he was getting feverish.  Everyone once in a while, he would say something or make a noise.  I couldn’t see his eyes but I think they were open the whole time.  He is such a sweet little boy. 

He still makes more noises than actual words but his vocabulary is expanding and his understanding of the world grows each day.  For a couple months now, I would say his name (Silas) and mine (grandpa).  When doing this I would place my hand on his chest when saying his name and on my chest when saying mine.  Occasionally, I would point to our noses or some other part.  Also, I would use his hand to do the pointing.  Recently, when saying his name, he puts his hand on his chest.  I pray we recover soon.

Covid: Well, this is new

 If this post makes little to no sense, I sincerely apologize.  My head is quite foggy and my body feel charged.  It almost feels tingly.  I'm not sure why though.

Two days ago I finally joined the club.  That is, I tested positive for Covid.  Hurray for me!  I had been joking for a while now that my wife and I must be immune.  Alas, we have it.  Compared to some, I guess my symptoms are mild.  I've felt worse and worked but have stayed home. I feel bad my grandson must have gotten sick from us since we watch him during the week.  

Whenever I get sick it seems post-nasal drip is the first thing I experience.  The same was true with this.  After a couple days of that, I got tight neck muscles.  Along with that was very tense scalp muscles.  The top of my head literally hurt to touch.  Mind you, I didn't cry out in pain when I did touch my head but the sensation was painful.  

There was one day that I just wanted to sleep.  I did nap during the day and slept through the night.  I think the extra time in bed simply added to the muscle tension.  I took the baby for a couple laps around the neighborhood and they seemed to loosen my muscles.  I felt better but I could still feel something wasn't right.  

We spent time outdoors since the weather was mild and day was sunny.  We even took the baby outside to sit in the grass for the first time.  He enjoyed it immensely.  

With the extra time to ourselves, we have cooked and eaten soups, drank copious cups of tea, taken hot showers and epsom salt baths, and various other things to alleviate our symptoms.  As I sit here typing, I feel a mild pressure in the sinus directly behind my nose even though my head has been clear.  By that I mean my sinuses are clear.  As I said before, my brain isn't clear.  

Sometimes I can't think of words.  Sometimes I start to do something only to think I should do something else.  I had gone 2 days without coffee.  I sometimes take off a day just to do it.  Two off days wasn't major.  Most disappointingly, coffee hasn't tasted good.  Everything else is fine.  

So this is the novel coronavirus.  This is new

for me

Shorties: 77

Miles and Bob went to their respective homes for the night and Jenny settled into her old bedroom.  Thoroughly spent, Nick walked into his room.  His eyes rested on the bed where Gwen died 18 hours before.  Even when you know death is imminent, there is no amount of preparation that helps you cope with the loss of a loved one.  Losing a loving spouse after 30 years of marriage felt like the mountains crashing down.

 

Bitter pain and numbness fill Nick and his breathing became mournful gasps.  He no longer felt the need to mask his pain as he did when the kids were present.  Nevertheless, the torrent of sobs that screamed for release were held in check by a hidden force.  Instead, tears welled up and his body shook for only a moment.  There was nothing more.  Like dry heaves, the episode repeated itself four more times.  Then it stopped altogether.

 

Nick considered showering but decided against it.  Like one with nothing to live for, life lost all reason.  What was the point of bathing?  His wife was gone.  Instead, he went to the toilet to relieve himself.  Rather than stand to urinate, Nick pulled down his pants and plopped onto the toilet seat.  Even when the stream of urine stopped, Nick continued sitting. The longer he was alone the more life seemed to leave him. He just didn’t care any more.  Suddenly, he heard Gwen walking into the bathroom with the labored breaths she had in her last days.  

 

Nick turned to see her but saw nothing.  He continued looking at the door in anticipation but she wasn’t there.  While he saw nothing, he still heard Gwen breathing and her footfalls.  Nick zipped up his pants and walked to the door, peering into the bedroom.  Nothing. Suddenly, Nick felt wholly, completely alone.  It was like a bitter wind sweeping through him.  Nick was struck with the thought his life would never be the same.  Everything he knew about life could only be seen with the knowledge he was a widow.  All of life was different now that Gwen was dead.  A part of him died too. 

July 24 Thought of the Day

 

When you grieve it is equal parts emotional and physical

Bailey’s Last Day

 

Bailey’s last day

She awoke and grandpa had to carry her downstairs. She didn’t eat breakfast for a few hours but ate all of her favorite food. When Silas (grandma and grandpa’s grandson) came, she wasn’t too interested but she seemed to perk up a little after that. She went in the back yard and did her business. 

Grandpa threw, from about 1 foot away, the paper towel cardboard a couple times. She didn’t catch it but enjoyed it. Then she chewed on it a little and grandma threw it but she caught from her. Later, she licked Silas’s feet. Grandma cleaned off his feet. Grandpa put on the leash and she went out the front door and sniffed a while. Then they went back inside. 

About this time a UPS truck came and she barked at it. Later, grandpa gave Bailey some Quaker Oat Squares as treats and she gobbled them up. Aunt Brittany visited a bit and petted her. One of the last things she did before she went to doggy heaven was go for a ride. Grandpa put the leash on, helped her get up, and she walked out to the car. Grandpa put her in and she laid down. Eventually, she stood up so she could see the cars coming and grandpa urged her to growl at a truck the was coming. When she did it caused her pain and she yelped. She patiently waited in the car with her grandparents to see the vet. 

She got to bark at the dog getting into the car next to us. It had some of the Bailey ferocity we know lol

She waited more than 50 minutes just to see the vet. Grandma and grandpa weren’t happy about that at all. When they finally said it was time to get in, grandpa lifted her out of the car and Bailey walked in on her own with energy. She sniffed along the way and even squatted to leave a big pee. Once in the room she walked around, sniffed and panted. She started to shake a little. She put her chin in grandpa’s lap and then grandma’s lap. 

When a lady finally came Bailey shook more. The lady asked a few questions and said she would take Bailey back to give her a catheter for the injections. Then she would bring her back to be with grandma and grandpa. Bailey had a lot of energy but she was very afraid. 

When the vet arrived with the needles, he got close to pet her but she snapped at him. He left and got an assistant. He also took off his lab coat. Grandma and grandpa thought that, and he long wait, might have been why she did that. Grandpa put on a muzzle and the vet gave her a sedative. It worked immediately. She started going down and grandma and grandpa tried to ease her down but her head plopped down. It was mere seconds after the lethal injection and she was gone. 😢

Since humor is one of grandpa’s coping mechanisms, he said with tears, “I guess it’s too late to change our minds.”

Bailey’s eyes remained open and her tongue out a little. The dr listened for her heart for a bit and then stopped. He said nothing other than they would leave them alone and grandpa and grandma could take as long as needed. 

Grandma and grandpa hugged, kissed, and petted Bailey. They also cried. It seemed wrong to leave her there. It also seemed strange to know Bailey wasn’t waiting for them. 

Driving home it started to rain. Grandpa thought of how rain is a blessing from God. In spite of their heavy hearts, God demonstrated His love by giving the blessing of rain.